The Cautious Approach

In the past, my approach to online dating went something like this:

1. Receive an e-mail from Boy
2. See Boy's profile
2(a)  Look at Boy's pictures to assess level of general douchiness
2(b)  Look at Boy's height to see if he's taller than me
2(c)  Look at Boy's religious views to make sure he won't try to thump me on the head with a Bible
2(d)  Look at Boy's political outlook to see whether, in the off chance, he supports a party other than the Conservatives
2(e)  Actually read Boy's descriptions of himself, while always paying attention to sentence structure and capitalization
3. If Boy passes hurdles 2(a) through 2(e), then respond to e-mail and suggest going out for coffee (which somehow always turns into going for drinks instead of coffee.  I have yet to actually go on a coffee date.  Maybe I have a problem...)
4. Go out for drinks with Boy in which I have a good time but not quite good enough to warrant a second date.
5. Never talk to Boy again.

This time around, I am taking more of a cautious approach and actually getting a conversation going via e-mail before suggesting going out for "coffee".   I think this is a better approach for several reasons, as follows:

Reason #1: Efficiency
I went on dates with three guys who I never ended up talking to again.  There was nothing particularly wrong with these men; they just weren't right for me.  Hopefully, by e-mailing a bit before meeting in person, I will get a better feel for the guy's personality and have a better sense of whether it is worth meeting up in person, so as not to waste either of our time.

Reason #2: Awkwardness Reduction
I think that by chatting through e-mail first, we are starting to get to know each other, which will hopefully make things less awkward if we ever do meet in person.  By e-mailing a bit first, we can get the whole "Where did you grow up? Where did you go to school? How many siblings do you have? Who is your favourite Ninja Turtle?" type questions out of the way.

Reason #3: Fluttering Butterflies
I complained in an earlier post about the lack of butterflies in my stomach when meeting up with my online matches cause it felt like an interview process, which in a lot of ways, it kind of is.  But I think that if I am getting to know someone through e-mail and only meet up with the guys who I am truly interested in, I might be a bit more excited to actually go on these dates.  I'm hoping the anticipation of meeting someone will be greater when I already know that I like the person I'm meeting (as much as you can know that from a few e-mails anyway).

Reason #4: Weeding out the Sex Crazed
There have been a few guys who don't seem to have the patience for e-mailing before meeting.  Some cite their inability to communicate as effectively through e-mail as opposed to meeting face to face as a reason for their desire to meet up right away, but I get the impression that many of these guys are really just seeking a one time hook-up.

I had a rather rude awakening this past Christmas when I met a cute guy at Starbucks who chatted me up while we drank our coffee and then asked me out for a drink.  I said yes, as he seemed completely sane, and as we were walking outside I asked him what bar he was taking me to, to which he replied "Oh, my condo is just over there and I have a bottle of wine ready to go."  We had literally known each other for 10-15 minutes and he assumed that I would go to his condo, drink some wine and sleep with him.  At first I wondered if there was something about me that made me come off as being that easy, but then I realized that it probably has much more to do with his ego and stupidly confident demeanour.

So the moral of the story is that if a guy can't spend the time getting to know me a little bit before wanting to go out with me (or wanting to bring me back to his condo promising me the best massage of my life....ewww!), he is probably a sex crazed maniac whose only goal is to get me into bed and I'm better off not meeting him at all.

Reason #5: Guilt Reduction
Lastly, if I don't end up liking the guy, I think it will be less awkward to break things off before we have met in person.  And to be clear, by "break things off" I fully mean ignoring any further e-mails.  (For a litigator, I am surprisingly adverse to confrontation).  I feel less guilty about ignoring someone's e-mails than I do ignoring someone's phone calls after we have actually met in person.

And those are the reasons why I am taking things more slowly this time.  I don't think there is anything wrong with jumping in right away and actually going out to meet people, but this time around, I am taking a more targeted approach to who I will actually meet and I will report back on how it turns out.

So on that note, I have been e-mailing back and forth with an electrical engineer and have just responded to an e-mail from a math wiz.  The electrical engineer guy seems really nice and he's definitely cute so I could see potentially meeting up with him.  The math wiz's profile was kind of sparse and in one of his pictures, he kind of vaguely resembles Charles Manson...so I don't have high hopes but will give him a try via e-mail.

Inspirer90: "I watch Oprah and Dr. Phil and I enjoy the crap out of it."

The Ex

So after a five month hiatus from the world of internet dating, I decided to give it another go.  I am in the process of changing jobs and will (hopefully) have more time to get out of the office and see people.  In my momentary state of optimistic fervour, I re-activated my internet profile.  And how did the gods repay me for my foolish positive outlook, but to match me with my ex-boyfriend!

After sifting through a few profiles, happily judging other people, I froze in a moment of shock to see a picture of "BZoso" playing his guitar.  I'm not sure what caused this fleeting panic, as it has been quite some time since we dated.   I guess I just didn't expect to see his face as I looked for my next dating candidate.  I'm honestly kind of irritated.  I mean, I have been doing so good at ignoring his facebook requests, it's like he just snuck up on me in a new way to take me by surprise.  But there he was, looking more like a hippy than I remember, but still kind of cute in his I'm-trying-really-hard-not-to-look-like-I'm-puttying-any-effort-into-my-appearance sort of way.

Things did not end well with me and BZoso.  We were doing the long distance thing while I was in law school across the country and, like many guitar players, he did not turn out to be the most faithful of companions.  BZoso and I dated for mere months, but finding out about his lies affected me greatly.  It has been a year and a half since we last talked and I was not expecting to encounter him again.  

From reading his profile, he does seem to be making a minimal effort to appear as though he has evolved, stating, "I am getting better at communicating as I get older and would really prefer to find someone who can also communicate effectively", and listing some new past times such as yoga, reading, wine tasting and going to museums.  None of these things are in line with the BZoso I remember, but hey, I guess everyone tries to put their best face forward on these things.  What I am genuinely impressed by is the fact his grammar and spelling was fairly good throughout his profile.  I totally would have pegged him for one of those lazy dudes who can't be bothered to spell check.

So, this has been a less than inspiring first day returning to the online dating world, but it can only improve from here...right?

DoBaBlue: "I am like poop.  The older I get, the easier I am to pick up."

Making Amends with Band-Camp-Boy

Does anyone else have those moments from your past that have just nagged your conscience a little bit over the years?  Things that seem small and stupid that no one probably cares about anymore but that someday you might like to apologize for and make amends?  Well I had such an opportunity last weekend. 

(Before I get into it, I would just like to say that the reason for my lack of posts lately is because I have really just been too busy and preoccupied to keep up my online dating.  So I haven't actually met up with or corresponded with anyone new lately.  I haven't given up, I'm just taking a little break.  So this story actually has nothing to do with online dating but may provide some humor nonetheless.)

So I went out with a couple of friends of mine last weekend and we ended up crashing one of my friends' work parties at an Asian Karaoke bar.  As soon as we arrived, I realized that my grade 9 ex-boyfriend was belting out the Backstreet Boys on the microphone.   He recognized me right away, even though it had been years since we've seen each other or talked, and I wasn't sure what kind of reception he would give me based on how things were left between us all those years ago.

But after his rendition of "As Long As You Love Me", he came up to me right away to chat and catch up.  I think he even greeted me with a hug (I was already pretty smashed by this point so I'm a little hazy on the greeting details).  Anyhow, we got to talking about all the people from junior high/high school that we're still in touch with and then he introduced me to some of his friends at the party and immediately told them about our 2 week grade 9 romance.

So back in the day, we were both in the school band together.  He played bassoon.  I played saxophone.  A match made in heaven, right?  And I kind of knew he liked me and I think he knew I liked him, so when we were at band camp together (so lame, I know) he asked me to be his girlfriend one night on the back of the hay ride.  I said yes and was a smitten kitten the rest of the weekend. 

So he told this story to all his friends, which I thought was pretty cute, especially because you can imagine the jokes we got about hooking up at band camp (in our defence, this was pre-American Pie), but then he ended the story by shouting with indignation: "AND YOU BROKE UP WITH ME THROUGH A NOTE YOU PASSED ME IN SCIENCE CLASS!!!"

After hamming it up and playing the poor, hurt, dumped little boy, I was able to not only apologize but explain to him the reason why I broke up with him.  You see, this is one of those incidents that I've always felt kind of bad about, because he was a really nice kid who didn't deserve to be dumped via a note (keep in mind, this was in junior high).  But I explained to him that the break-up note was totally logical because his sister told my sister's best friend who told my sister who told me that he was thinking of breaking up with me.  So the science class break-up was a completely rational, pre-emptive move to save my rep, right? 

He denied ever telling his sister that he wanted to break up with me and in hindsight, I can see that maybe, just maybe, whatever he did tell his sister got lost in translation.  So I was able to make amends and sleep soundly that night (which was probably also due to the obscene amount of vodka cranberries I drank that evening).

The moral of the story is that it's never too late to apologize for your previous bad dating behavior.  I think Band-Camp-Boy and I might even go for lunch one of these days.

Bedefined: on what he's really good at - "Resourceful, philosophical, conservative/recycling, everything i touch turns to gold"

Confused

This post is about my 7.5 hour second date with the Fly Fisherman.

No, I didn't have a stop watch running during our date, but it did cross my mind today that we met for dinner at 5:30 and I didn't get home until 1ish.  I guess that's a good sign, right?

So I was in pretty foul mood when I met him for dinner.  Some non-dating related things happened this week that have made me really angry and I wasn't in the best frame of mind to be going on a date.  Also, I totally spaced out on the train going to meet him and missed my stop, so I was in a hurry and kind of just wanted to get it over with.  But I guess I didn't have the highest expectation the first time I met up with him, and like our first date, our second date was pleasantly surprising.

We had a quick dinner before heading to a football game.  I am a huge football fan and have had been going to games with my dad since I was 9.  I have season tickets but now that my dad has moved to a different city, it is surprisingly hard to find people to go with me.  My team is in first place and has had an almost perfect season, but a week ago we got our asses kicked by one of the worst teams in the league.  The game last night was against the second best team and I was not optimistic going into the game, especially having been in a terrible mood all day.

Well last night, we won, by a lot!  And it made me so happy!  I am honestly trying to figure out right now if I had such a good time last night because of the guy or the game.  It's probably a bit of both.  We had a good time at dinner, talking a bit more about our backgrounds, families, etc. and the game was a great venue for a second date because it was pretty casual and had readily available beer.  Oh, the beer. (I'll elaborate below).

So, I made a concerted effort throughout the night to be as honest as I could about myself.  I told him on no uncertain terms that I hate cooking, I don't clean often (to the point that there is not a clean dish in my apartment right now) and I provided full disclosure on my smoking habit (I know, I'm a terrible smoky smoker who deserves to get lung cancer, etc. etc.).  Also in the spirit of full disclosure, he now knows what the drunk version of myself is like.

We had many beers throughout the night, and I am a bit of a light weight, so here are the highlights: I came very close to getting into a fight with this puny, closed-minded asshole sitting a little ways down from us (for a good reason, I swear), I told him all about Hole-in-his-Crotch Guy who sits a couple seats away (see my first post for more details) and I dragged him to a random karaoke bar with my cousin and his friends (who I didn't know) after the game and then promptly decided that the karaoke bar wasn't fun enough so we had to leave.

So to his credit, he was trooper and has seen me close to my limit of intoxication, so if he is still interested, I guess that's something!

But to go back to the butterfly thing again, it just felt like something was missing.  He was a total gentleman and very respectful, but he was definitely being more affectionate than I was.  Like when we were walking, he would occasionally touch my back or when we were sitting he would touch my arm, and instead of feeling excited, I just totally pulled away.  Maybe this is my own issue and I have some deep seeded psychological problems with getting close to people or maybe I'm just not that interested.  He seems great and there is nothing overtly wrong with him,  but I can't help but feel a lack of enthusiasm.  So maybe, just maybe, these things take time and I should give it another go.  I don't believe in love at first sight, and since most guys I've dated have started as friends, maybe I should take more time to get to know him before making a decision one way or the other.

Why is dating so hard?  And how come I'm questioning myself instead of trusting in my own feelings?  I thought maybe writing things down in a blog would help me clarify some of these things, but I'm just left feeling just as confused as before.  I just want someone to make these decisions for me!

So in the spirit of trying to be more optimistic, at least he's not a waiter at one of my favourite restaurants, so if things don't work out I won't have to cross yet another decent place to eat off my list of acceptable establishments (this has actually been a problem for me this past year) and at least he's not in a band getting underwear thrown at him on stage by slutty slut slut whorish band groupies (yet another problem I have faced in my dating past).

On that note, let us see what Confusion101 has to say about being logical:

Confusion101: "since I wasn't born into a walthy estate or possess top notch quality charisma I like to pride my self on believing I can summon the strength to think outside hte box and transcend logic" (I think he obtained his goal of transcending logic in that sentence, good job!)

Missing the Butterflies

So tonight I am going on my second date with the Fly Fisherman (see my last post for me details), and I think it should be a good time, but I can't help but feel a little disappointed at the lack of anticipation.

I mean, online dating effectively takes the mystery and the fun of the chase out of new relationships.  On the one hand, it is convenient to be able to weed out all the undesirables right from the start by looking at people's profiles and e-mailing back and forth.  But I am finding that it also takes the suspense out of the equation as well. 

Everything just seems so cut and dry and to the point.  Guy looks at Girl's profile.  Guy e-mails Girl.  Girl responds.  Guy and Girl meet each other and either they never see each other again or they continue in this pattern.  There is no doubt at all right from the start that the intention behind their correspondence and meetings is romantic in nature.  For instance, I already know that the Fly Fisherman is interested in me because he's the one who (a) asked me out the first time, and (b) asked me out for a second date.  So it's good that the pressure is off me and that I, in a way, have the upper hand and control, but I miss the butterflies! 

Maybe it is because most of the guys I have dated started as friends first.  There is that first stage where your girlfriends start noticing that you are acting differently around him and you adamantly deny that you have any feelings for him.  But after a few weeks you come to grips with the fact that yes, you have a high-school-type crush and look for any opportunity to spend time with him.  And then, that amazing moment comes, when you are somewhat sure he feels the same way about you but not 100% certain, so you orchestrate a situation in which the two of you are alone, and then your heart beats faster and oh my god his hand brushes against yours!  Was it intentional?  Does he like you?  Will he do it again?  And you hope beyond all hope that he does, and sure enough, your instincts were right!  As he leans in for the kiss your stomach is aflutter with a million butterflies as you come to the realization that beyond a shadow of a doubt, he likes you too! 

I miss that feeling and will be very disappointed if online dating deprives me of that amazing initial phase of a relationship.

jamesdeanmagnum: "I LOVE ROMANCE!!!! I'm DEPENDABLE, VERY FOCUSED, CREATIVE, I HAVE A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR!!!!! A SPONTANEOUS IMAGINATION!!!! I LOVE TO LAUGH WITH PEOPLE, NOT AT THEM. I TRY TO HAVE A LOT OF FUN WITH MY LIFE!!! I REALLY ENJOY MY CAREER!! MY BIGGEST FLAW IS.... I will ALWAYS HELP OTHERS WHEN EVER OR WHO EVER NEEDS IT!!! I'm a bone marrow and platelet downer. ... I'm a + and have a High hemoglobin count. As for my CARECTOR, Iowe a lot of that to "DOC" DR. Greg Hemingway, Ernest Hemingways' youngest son.  He lieved on and of with my family for 17yrs."  (who knew enthusiasm could be a turn-off?)

Date #3 with the Fly Fisher

Last night I met bachelor #3 for a couple drinks after work.  This date went really well, probably the best of the three, but I really need to start eating something before these dates, because like the first one, we went to a bar, declined to order dinner, and proceeded to have a few drinks on empty stomachs and before I knew it, it was 9pm (although I called my friend after who swore it was 8pm, so I don't know what to believe) and I was starving and drunk. 

Maybe the reason why my impression of this date is so positive is because I went into it with lower expectations.  My first two dates were with guys whose profiles I had already checked out and approved prior to any e-mailing back and forth, whereas this guy e-mailed me first, so I did not have high expectations that we would click.  I was also in a bit of a bad mood and I looked like crap (of course on the day of my date, five pimples decided to make an appearance on my face) and half of me hoped that he wouldn't show up. 

I walked into the pub and asked the hostess if there were any guys sitting alone at any tables or if anyone had asked for me, to which she said no.  I looked around a bit and didn't see anyone resembling him, and told the hostess that I didn't think he was here yet.  I guess by the tone of my voice or the way I phrased things, she knew automatically that I was on a blind date and was very excited for me.  Much more excited than I was, in fact.  Totally giddy, she asked if she could poke her head around the corner to see how it was going throughout the evening.

So she picked a good table for us and seated me by myself while I waited and I wasted no time ordering a drink to ease the pre-date awkwardness of waiting at a table alone.  He showed up a couple minutes later and was really nice and laid back and he seemed interested in what I had to say and he spent a lot of time asking me questions about my life.  I think this might be another reason why this date was better than the last two, because most of it was him asking me questions rather than the other way around.

But I did find out some interesting things about him, like his dad was a commercial fisherman and he spent his summers as a kid and teenager on his dad's boat helping him fish.  I also learned more than I ever cared to know about fly fishing, and in a rather blond moment, I inquired about whether actual flies (the insects) were used as bait.  He graciously pretended that my question was not completely idiotic and I quickly changed the subject from fishing. 

So all in all, it was a pretty good time and we talked about going out again.  My only concern is that he is 11 years older than me.  He didn't act or look that much older, so hopefully it won't be an issue.  My only hesitation is that he might be in a different point in his life regarding the whole marriage and reproduction thing.  But I'm sure this will become more apparent as time goes on, so no need to bring it up now, right?

There is another guy who I have been e-mailing quite extensively with, so hopefully we will actually meet up in person one of these days, and I'll be sure to write alllll about it!

Francisplh: "Hello everyone! I am looking girlfriend, if good, I will get married. Thank very much for read my profile. " 

The Basics will Suffice

So I am going on Date Number 3 on Thursday, but until then, please indulge me in this post about a huge pet peeve that I need to get off my chest: spelling and grammatical errors.

I appreciate the fact that type-os occur often and I acknowledge that I have made my share from time to time and if you look hard enough in this blog you will realize that my grammar is by no means perfect. However, the ability to put together a sentence that is basically grammatically correct is essential to attract me to your online dating profile for the following reasons: (i) it shows me that you are not a complete idiot; (ii) the entire point of putting up a profile is to grab people's attention with your words; (iii) it shows that you have at least taken the time to proof read and put forth your best image, and (iv) it shows that you are not too effing lazy to use the freaking spell check button. 

So, lets go back to elementary school for a moment and review a few lessons. 

1) Knowledge of the difference between "your" and "you're" is a must.  YOU'RE a lazy person for not using spell check on YOUR profile.

2) Also essential is knowing the difference between "to" and "too".  I am going TO kill myself and you TOO if I have to read another grammatical error on your profile.   

3) Possibly the most irritating and by far the most laziest mistake is the refusal of some people to capitalize "I".  The word, "I", must be capitalized every single time, not just at the beginning of a sentence.

4) Along the same lines as number 3, I've noticed a lot of people have a tendency to capitalize random words in the middle of their sentences.  I just don't understand it.  Why?  Can someone please tell me why BIGD_01 thinks that the following sentence is acceptable: "I am born and raised canadiana nd i love it here in canada I am Down to earth, good listener, and a good person."  I really don't care how good of a person you are if you don't know that "Canada" and "I" should be capitalized, while "down" should not be. 

5) Another valuable skill is knowing the difference between using an "s" to pluralize a noun and using an "s" to show possession. 

6) Knowledge of the difference between "its" and "it's" is also an asset.  I know this is a tricky one, but you can learn from the following example: IT'S irritating as all hell when people don't know the very basic elements of English grammar.  The spell check button is your friend.  ITS function is to make you look smarter than you are.

7) Also impressive is knowing the difference between "were", "we're" and "where".  Although they may look similar, each of them means something completely different.  For instance, "WE'RE getting annoyed because the words on your profile WERE all spelled incorrectly.  WHERE did you go to school?", demonstrates their proper use.

8) Also different are the words "than" and "then".  Take note, if your spelling is better THAN mine, THEN you may e-mail me.

9) And if you really want to impress me, you can show me that you know that "a lot" is two separate words and "always" is one, as are "someone" and "something".

The thing that gets me is that almost every person describes themselves as intelligent on their profiles, while many of them can't construct a coherent sentence.  I know there is more to intelligence than proper spelling, but if you don't know that a period goes at the end of a sentence then at the very least, don't comment on how smart you are.  How can I trust anything else on your profile?

An interesting tactic was used by Likes2Like4U (gross name, I know), who readily admitted to "suking" at spelling on his profile, and fully lived up to this statement with words like "activityes", "bin" (aka "been"), "colective", "buisness", "listining", "susport", "wil", "harted", and "nessary".  He also confused the words "prospective" with "perspective" and "were" with "where".  The real interesting part of his profile was that his justification for his poor spelling is that he types too fast.  I sincerely doubt this accounts for his atrocious spelling, but even if I give him the benefit of the doubt, what is his justification for being too god damned lazy to proof read or hit the spell check button?

So here is the basic process for writing a profile:
1) Type what you want to say
2) Proof read and edit for spelling and grammar
3) Hit the spell check button to pick up on anything you may have missed in Step 2

If you are unsure if you used a word properly, www.dictionary.com is a helpful website I use all the time. 

I don't think Dallas0 did any of the above three steps, as I don't even understand what he means by "I am humorus, spontanious, and layedbac. ... i love the classics more than anything but as long as it can hold my interestes im good and lots of mags".




CorazonDelator: "I am objective and i know what i want, i'm a fighter person, never surrender i always try to give the 101%, do my best efforts. I want someone who aprecciates those values, so i will do the same on her, she must be honest, reliable, tender, have family values. I am a kind of old-fashioned when it comes to dating. i am so respectful. Have you ever dating on a kitchen?"